Saturday, November 25, 2006

As Seen on TV! or In Your Closet!

Have you ever watched someone laugh so hard that you start laughing and you don't even know why you're laughing? Have you ever told someone something SO FUNNY you could pee your pants? Lucky for you, ladies and gentleman, this is such an occasion.

If this story, after all the hype, turns out to be a "Um...I guess you had to be there" kind of moment, I will be highly disappointed in my ability to convey one of the truly funniest moments of all time in recorded history. Since I hear all the time about ya'll reading my blog but not commenting because you have to register, or what would you say, etc...Then here's the dealio: You MUST hit me back (yes YOU, first-time caller) and tell me that this is not the most freaking hilarious thing you've EVER heard of.

We're in paragraph three, so by now you should be really fired up. Admit it, you are starting to chuckle a little, maybe giddy in anticipation. You're saying, "That Jaynel is pretty funny. I wonder what could happen to seriously crack her up." You're probably already laughing.

Ok, well. Last night Renee and I were in our garage. I was looking through some boxes for this pair of knee high black boots I bought it Italy last year. While I was lost looking in boxes and finding random junk, Renee says, "Oh, nuh uh!!" (Maybe you'd have to know her for that to make sense.) She starts laughing so hard she has to sit down. I'm trying to ask her what is so funny, but now I'm laughing just watch her crying with laughter. She's really losing it. She's holding these two forms that look like a certificate. She makes me promise not to make fun of her, which I do. (I never say anything about not posting it on a blog entry, though.)

She hands me this teeny tiny yellow nylon suit, that fits in the palm of my hand. She is laughing so hard, I can't understand anything she is saying. Like a dork, I'm laughing just looking at her, so I'm in no position to ask questions. She calms down for these two second intervals enough to tell me that a few years back she thought she wanted to buy a Parakeet. She did a lot of research on Parakeets and started buying things for the Parakeet. Keep in mind, she did not have, and still does not own- a Parakeet. This yellow thingee, she explains is a little Parakeet Outfit with a cable (or commonly known as a "hair band") to keep the bird from flying away. She throws two circular cotton face cleansers at me. The kind that come 100 for a dollar or whatever. Gross, right? Then she says between hiccups of laughter that those are BIRDIE DIAPERS! She's holding the receipt, which looks like a certificate, and it says she paid $29.99 for this! She pulls out a little birdie ladder that she bought for the fictional Parakeet.

It wouldn't be so ridiculous that people actually sold this stuff, if there wasn't some kind of demand for it. Enterprises like this one make me truly believe we live in the greatest country of all time. Freedom of speech, religion, and to create a dynasty from hair bands and cotton swabs disguised as birdie diapers. Or, as they like to call them, "Patented Poop Pouches."

One of my boyfriends in New York had a bird named Squeaky. Squeaky was an incessant shit-talker. I'd commonly go in the back room and gossip about my relationship to my girlfriends. What's the harm, right. No one was there except adorable cute little Squeaky. Well that little fucker ratted me out! "If you want loyalty, get a dog!" my boyfriend told me, actually defending Squeaky.

Interesting. I sort of thought that's why I got a boyfriend.

That same friend had an entire closet full of "As Seen on TV" merchandise. When he opened the closet door, it was like he had really taken his insomnia to the next level. "It made sense at the time," he said holding up a Flowbee windtunnell hair cutter. Did I mention he had no hair?

"In advertising that's called strategy. They flash a number in your face and tell you things when you can't think clearly," I tell him. He picks up a box of unopened Ginsu knives.

"Well these can cut through cans!" he tells me, side-stepping a bright blue Thigh Master with Suzanne Somers face slathered on the side.

"Right," I say, "For all those circus show dinner parties you have lined up."

He shuts the door just as I'm getting a sneak peek at a total body solution kit and a revolutionary tooth-whitening two-tier tray system. That was six or seven years ago, but Renee's discovery sparked the same revelation. We all own weird shit purchased in vulnerable moments we knew we absolutely could not live without that thing that makes no sense to buy. Yet someone asked for a credit card, and we gave it. Gladly. Excited, even. We spoke slowly, having the numbers recited back to us, so as not to miss out on this one time opportunity. We make shipping arrangements and small talk with the telemarketer. We may have even have made installment payments, or maybe came to our senses the second it showed up and realized it had to be shipped back to the tooth whitening palace or the Beanie Baby factory.

Your turn. What was the strangest thing you ever bought? Where is it now? Leave your answer in Comments. Winner gets their choice of hearing what the weirdest thing I ever bought was, or...a Miniature Yellow Nylon 100% Authentic Avian Flight Suit!


biggearhead said...

Okay, one time not long after I moved into my house I was up late at night watching television. I don't know why I was up so late, but it was 3am or something. I think my roommate had just gotten cable, and I was glued to it. I ended up watching some infomercial. It still amazes me to say this, but I bought one of those kits that's supposed to help you get started buying and renting real estate. Uh huh. Right.

It's on a shelf in the back hall. A really high shelf. Never opened.

jaynel said...

You mean you can't buy a house for a dollar?

biggearhead said...

You may have something there, but I'll never know. Maybe I could make a million, but it can't be easy, 'cause like they say, "If it was easy, everbody would be doing it." I'd rather work hard writing than buying real estate. After I make my million with some novel of mine you'll see me on late night TV with a commercial about how "You too can be a millionaire writing books if you just follow my six easy steps. Call now! Other impoverished writers are standing by to take your order!"

jaynel said...

I have more faith in you than that. : )

I saw Eric Estrada on TV the other day hawking real estate for a section of land off the Puget Sound in Washington State. He was tooling around in a golf cart, showing sunny views of Seattle. Meanwhile, I was on the phone with my snowed-in mother and sister. He probably was there there for the one (or three) non-raining days.

Incidentally, this is also what cracks me up about Grey's Anatomy. Does it ever rain? It's Seattle. More than just the anatomy is grey.

Anyway, I'm coming clean- I once bought a Caruso hair steamer. That's when the permed look was in. Pre-Jennifer-Anniston-do. I actually used it until it broke. When they say "lifetime guarantee" they don't say whose lifetime.

biggearhead said...

I was getting down empty boxes to mail Christmas presents the other night, and I saw my "limited-time offer" purchase up on the shelf with the empties. According to the markings, not only did I pay money for this dreck, I actually paid extra for expedited shipping. Oh, the shame of it...!